Advice

New look, new feel,
newer is my life.
I try to make my world as new,
but same remains my strife.

I try to kill my demons,
I tyr to slay them all.
To banish my sorrows, my tears,
to crush them, and stand tall.

I am told to think positive,
to stay happy, think well.
To come out, enjoy life,
not to crib and stay in a shell.

I know all this, I'm sorry
but I dont need advice.
If you can be an ear, be one,
dont give me a bunch of lies.

Whatever is said, whatever is done,
whatever happens in this life of mine.
I take responsibility for it,
even if I screw up, its fine.

Leave me alone, if you want to,
I'm sure I'll scrape through.
I'll manage climbing out of the hole,
I'll work out something to do.

But if you wanna help, then be there,
don't float around and call.
Don't give me words,hollow and baseless,
if you cant company me for the fall.

I have lots of advices, thank you
I know the must and should.
I am pretty clear about all this,
am not sure whether I could.

Help me if you must,
for I really need it.
Don't leave it all on me,
for I'll do what I see fit.

Enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They say I dont talk,
They say I dont say.
They say I dont welcome,
and each goes their own way.

I dont talk often,
neither do I talk much.
But its not new, its old, ancient,
I have always been such.

I love to listen, love to help,
love to hear and console.
Love to sort all your problems,
love to lighten your soul.

I would try to hide,
try to run and not return.
would not talk what saddens me,
and leave my insides to burn.

They say I deserve better,
they say I'm there for you.
My sorrows,I can share,
but dear friends, where are you???

Ill not crib and cry,
nor will rivers flow from my eyes.
I will not proclaim myself mournful,
will hide it if I can, with lies.

The more I feel sorrow,
The more I push you away.
The more away you go,
more sorrow makes its way.

Its never easy to mourn,
not easy at all to share.
Not easy to lend your shoulder,
and impossible to always be there.

Everyone is very busy,
all have work to do.
But is it just me, or is it true,
the busiest of all is you.

No matter how hard I shout,
no matter how hard I try.
You wont leave all your work for me,
you wont come to stop me cry.

And what hurts me more, if possible,
is the casualness you show.
That you feel the change is ok,
its going with the flow.

I'm sorry to say, sorry to admit,
sorry to mourn, sorry to cry.
Sorry for making all rude jibes,
sorry to run my eyes dry.

But I have had enough,
have seen and heard and said.
Have tried all I can do,
to keep it all unsaid.

Thats where I end it,
thats where I have lost.
Thats where theres no more,
its over, whatever the cost.

Foreigner

I have been here long enough,longer than I now realize.I just came back from France as you would have read in the last post. Well, I had a great time in those 6 months,ans ironically,that was when I wasnt there,on a vacation.But still,I had a 'foreign' trip.Cool, isnt it?Atleast I went out,travelled,had fun,isnt it??But these six months have been a revelation.Just six months,and I have realized how foreign I am now.But I learned to survive,survive without those who care about you,and those who make you do things you do,just with a few guys you barely know to call them friends straightaway,and who are as listless as you are at this sudden influx of loneliness.Finally, all you have is you,and that is when you know you are in a place you don belong to.But a simple question,Is that condition necessary and sufficient??As in,am I right to then say that one who feels this way anywhere,simply put,'doesnt belong','doesnt fit',is a foreigner?I wish to differ,but cant,and its not completely due to the fact that I have defined 'foreign' here myself,in part yes,but not completely.If that is so,maybe I am a foreigner,no less than I was in France,maybe even more,because atleast I knew it was no use expecting anything from the French.And now that I see it,I turned into a foreigner much before I left for France.You can never define certain things,except that it pains you to see that they exist.People you care about being too busy for you,waiting alone for someone to be free to have a chat with,being left out as non existant out of certain conversations,and the like.One tends to get itchy,dizzy,tense or irritated.I am all 4 of them.You somehow lose your ability to conduct a meaningful interesting conversation due to their lack in the past,but ironically,you grow outof a need for them.One starts living alone,closed and scared.You cant blame someone for not giving you time now,can you???I mean,all things apart,you dont own them.They got far more important things in life than talking to a lonely chap like you.You see 3 party talks turning to dialogues without you,you see phone calls turning to sms' turning to scraps and finally getting lost somewhere in the wide world.You never got them,and thats not because of the zillion bugs flaoting around in the cyberosphere,that was because they were never sent.And the worst part about this is,you dont want pity.You tell this to anyone and you get the 'poor chap' look,with pity in the eyes,they say how sorry they are because you are lonely,but hey got work to do,and you,sitting idle with nothing to do expect them to be with you,talking to you round the clock.You gone crazy??Who's got time?You got tons to do,but you sit alone thinking,brooding over your misery,and finally trying to fit in.But then you are those many months out of sync with no information,to laugh on derived and related puns or snide remarks etc,because you werent there,and you dont know.Maybe thats the time you should realize that no matter what you say or do,you are a foreigner,and that not only because you went out of the country, you went out of their lives and minds too.You got to accept your fate in this 'foreign' land,and it tears me in parts,and yet I do.

I am back,quite literally.

Hi guys,well sorry for the huge gap.actually have been busy.and this blog had been on the drafts for a long time.meant to publish it a lot early,but ok,never

mind.there you go.
I am back,back from France,back from what I thought were aong the best dix months of my life.But did it live upto the propaganda,the hype it had?The aura and

euphoria it had enfused my mind with whenever I thought of it??I dont know,neither I would answer that,because asking the question in itself is the answer to

a lot of things.So where does it leave me then?Back where I started six months ago?Or am I a cliched 'saner,better' human being???The break came at a real

crucial time in my life.At a time when I had to move out, I was crying out for a change in perspective,,not just environment, but people too.I was demanding

a lot from my life,getiing very few. It had to change, I thank God it did.Not being qualified earlier was a disappointment,being selected an elation.More of

a dream come true,because this was one thing I really wanted.But the question again, was it worth it???And here by worth I dont mean stuff like travelling,

broadening my horizons and like.That is to be said at interviews.I talk about worth in my life.Was it?I think it was.Distances make relationships grow

fonder,it also helps understand relations better.I learnt that.Got to know strangers,understood friends better,saw them from an external detached point of

view.Lifes full of surprises,I sure as hell got my lot this time around.It was good,it was bad.Funny,hilarious,sad,angering,irritating,these 6 months were

all this and more.Made some special friends.Those I hope would hold now for life.The travel was awesome.'C'etait bien', as the French would call it.
So a little bit of thankyous.
Thanks all of you,
Viv for his one liners,and the wonderful 'What is love' jim carrey expression,

PP for his below the waist jokes,and the special movie you made,

Shaani,for the 'Banta hi nahi hai' bit, for her alter ego 'Superjain',and for the sharp shrill 'Uthoooooooooooooooooooooooooo',

Kwaty for the one sentence of the day,

Senti for the 'chakapa',and endless streams of things unmentionable here,

Karan for the gay spirit :P,and his now famous stud act,

Patti for the don carnash impression,and the DJing he did on our Skype conferences,

Shelly for the gibberish she spoke most of the time,and the shrill shriek we didnt
have the misfortune of encountering,

Manu for his 'uptight English',and the various Adult jokes,

Medury for his movie recommendations,and for his extremely forgetful self,
and last of all me,coz I made good use of it.

Guys, You are the best.Thanks a lot.